Shock & Awe
I've felt an odd sense of familiarity these past few weeks amid the rapidly escalating pandemic situation, both globally and locally. The familiarity felt confusing, I’ve never experienced a pandemic before or anything near the scale of what’s happening. As I sat with the feeling and got curious, I realized that while I’ve not experienced this particular situation, I have experienced a time in my life where everything changed in a moment. When every last detail of my daily routine from the time I woke up to the way I went to sleep at night was fundamentally altered. I have lived through an experience of rapid, unprecedented change on a personal level that rushed into my life the day my husband died in a car crash.
As I've sat with the familiar feelings of nausea, anxiety, unsettledness, I thought of the many others for whom the shock of the current situation may activate past traumas. Perhaps you're feeling it too. I remember myself in those early days, when I triaged immediate needs and tasks, but everything felt surreal. I walked through life in an untethered daze and hadn’t even begun to digest the magnitude of what had occurred.
In reflecting on my own experience, I feel a wave of compassion for the people losing their cool, stockpiling, responding in ways that seem strange. I’m more aware of my judgement of those who don’t seem to be taking things seriously. Because here’s the thing, when our foundation is rocked, we do whatever makes sense to help us feel safe. Even if that means clinging to familiar routines and activities that may no longer be prudent. Whatever outward craziness we are witnessing (yes, even the toilet paper frenzy), at the root level, it’s because we are each in search of solid ground.
I’ve been backtracking my return to solid ground and stability in the hopes it will support you in discovering your own path. It doesn’t matter how small or expansive that patch of ground is, all that matters is that you find it and plant your feet.
Make no mistake, this is an ongoing process and a practice. This is what it looks like for me, in realtime, in the current situation. Yesterday I was ready to jump ship. I didn't want to be with any of what I was feeling or dealing with. I just wanted to RUN AWAY. Since escape is not a viable option under stay-at-home orders, I did the next best thing, I simplified. I reassessed the essentials. I streamlined.
As a parent and a single mama, the first thing to go is believing it's my job to create a magical, wonderful, party of a quarantine situation for my kid. Even Disneyland is taking a break folks! My responsibility right now is to ensure my child feels safe, loved, and his physical needs are met. That I can do.
Next up, letting go of the quarantine bucket list - you know, the many exciting scenarios of using this time at home. Why? Because there's still all the usual things that need tending to. Because in the shock and awe of rapid change, the last thing we need to do is take on MORE new things or feel obligated to reinvent ourselves. This is not a staycation, a long-planned sabbatical, or a retreat. This is an unprecedented global event. There will be bandwidth in the coming weeks for creative pursuits, insights, and self-reflection. For now, it's ok and appropriate to chop wood and carry water.
Disconnecting. I realized that in an effort to feel connection while distancing, it has become a bit much. Too many video calls. Too much texting. Too much focus on the news and social media. It's time to modulate the swing between extremes and find the balance of connection and spaciousness. We each need space and stillness to access our inner wisdom and knowingness.
It's normal and reasonable to feel overwhelmed, over it, or want to escape right now. Oh do I get it. But what's needed is for each one of us to do the foundational things required to stay put and stay sane.
Staying with myself right now looks like hydrating and not waking up to an alarm every day. Getting outside more often and for longer periods during the day. I need to be less busy. I need to not fret about my kid doing all of his school work each day. I need to let go of the idea that this stint at home is a time to tackle all the stuff I've been wanting to explore, learn, do. I need to allow myself to BE.
Right now is a time to BE PRESENT. A time to create and connect to whatever solid ground looks like, feels like each day. A time for solidarity. A time to respect the feelings and needs of ourselves and others, and to tend to it all with compassion.
We are in the very early stages of a transformative period. It's not possible to source the answers and solutions when we don't even know the right questions yet. There will be many new beginnings that emerge from what's occurring. Plenty of new directions and paths to explore. We will all likely reinvent ourselves and our lives to some degree in response to this catalyst. In order to get to the new, first we need to be willing to stay right here, right now, and recognize we are each doing our best. Feel how you feel. Allow yourself to BE.
Feed your senses, look for the beauty, inhabit the moments of joy and pleasure no matter how fleeting they may seem. Acknowledgement and gratitude for what is working, is meeting needs, is supportive, goes a long way to bring you to solid ground.
Even when nothing feels OK, there is solid ground to be found, at least enough to plant your feet for a few deep breaths. Allow yourself to find it and rest there, be held there. Slow and steady my friends. We are discovering the solid ground for powerful new beginnings.
