Sometimes you’ll have to do it afraid

Early in the week as I tuned into the energy and themes of this New Moon, my thoughts were drawn to this same period 3 years ago. I had just closed on our new home in the desert and was preparing to load the moving truck and drive our earthly possessions 2,300 miles cross-country, solo.

I distinctly recall picking up the 26ft moving truck, driving over curbs positioning it at the storage unit, and thinking - there is no way I can do this! 

It took one day instead of two to get it all loaded up, so I had a day to accept the reality that the only way this truck was going to get from North Carolina to Utah was by me driving it there. There was a mix-up and because everything was in storage, a moving company wasn't an option. The timing had been such that the people I'd hoped might be able to drive with me were not available. Here I was preparing to do what seemed reasonable on paper, and now in reality, seemed the worst idea ever. It was the start of tornado season, so my route was carefully mapped out and I had an experienced road warrior friend who volunteered to closely monitor the weather and let me know if there were issues - one less thing to track. 

I recall the intense fear I felt simmering during the packing of the truck. I have tools. I have skills. I used them all. But the fear didn't shift. It didn't dissipate. It didn't relax or release. It was insistent. 

At some point during that extra day, I saw this image:

It was revelatory. In that moment, I discovered the way forward -  Do it afraid. It wasn't about finding the way out, the alternate path, the way through the fear or the way to transform it. The way forward, in this instance, was to do it afraid. And that's exactly what I did.

There was not one mile of that trip that I did not feel afraid. Everything about that experience was out of my comfort zone and felt beyond my capabilities. The first stretch of driving was through the winding curves of the Smokey Mountains. Then came the rains, navigating rest stops, construction zones, weigh stations, truck stop re-fueling, and parking that beast at hotels for the night.

By the time I finally parked outside my new home in Utah, I had callouses on my hands from gripping the steering wheel so tightly for days on end. But I did it. And I did it afraid. I remember falling onto the air mattress that night in a mix of exhaustion and deep relief. The next morning I looked out the window at the truck, parked against the Red Mountain that had called me there, in total awe and disbelief at the size of that truck and what I had just accomplished in driving it cross-country.

So why this message about fear on the New Moon? I believe my awareness was called back to this experience because this is the place many are finding themselves right now. On the brink of a new chapter, a significant period of transition, transformation, movement, and growth. In these moments, there will be times when, despite your best efforts, and calling on all your inner resources and skills, the fear will not go away. That doesn't indicate the journey is not important or it's wrong. Sometimes, on the threshold of something so new and so important, ALL the things inside you that say you aren't ready, capable enough, brave enough, strong enough, and all the thoughts and stories you hold around change, get stirred up and tell you it's not safe.

The truth is that change and growth rarely feel safe. So in the moments of deep activation, this is the place to breathe. To recognize that this may not be the time to focus on releasing the fear, but rather moving forward with the fear.You don't have to let the fear drive, but you can accept it as a passenger on the journey. 

We are living, not just in interesting times, but in the times that have been foretold. It is naive to think that as our world breaks open, as our hearts break open, as increasing light shines into the darkest of places, that we will not, at times, feel full on afraid. Whatever you are feeling called to question, challenge, explore, or move towards in your life, trust the journey. Trust your capacity to discern your next best step. And no matter what arises, don't let the fear prevent you from moving forward. Remember that it's perfectly OK and appropriate to feel the fear. Fear is important, but it rarely sees the bigger picture, so sometimes, you'll have to do it afraid.